I feel like I spent more hours this week reflecting on teaching and pedagogy and technique and theory than I spent actually doing any of those items or in a classroom setting. In my scramble to get teaching experience while in graduate school, I have taken on more interviews in a one-month time period than I think is smart. Last night, I spent four hours writing a syllabus. Who knew professors had to write those things from scratch?? Also, who knew the professors probably should have read the material they schedule on various days for the syllabus?? SO not only did I have to decide my goals for the pretend course I needed to describe, I needed to read essays and select enough of them to spark class discussion for fifteen weeks. Oy!
Despite all my preparation, I feel completely nervous about interviewing for these positions. It's so strange. When I sit down to tutor or lead a workshop, I am totally confident. I know things about the material my students do not and, like when I coach, I know how to get them to know it and like doing so. But something about not being assigned a teaching fellowship has knocked my confidence out of whack. I feel like the department thinks I am not good at these things. I put so much pressure on myself to make them see that I should be teaching.
As I learned in my metaphor workshop on Tuesday, frustration spins wildly when tilted and makes me dizzy.