OMG I have a problem. I got home from the grocery store (an absolute zoo in the hours before the Steelers game) and settled into the couch with some Pirate Booty. My intention was to watch some downhill skiing, maybe even a made for TV movie on the Jesus channel. Something where a man considers an affair but then reconsiders, not because he loves his wife but because Jesus wouldn't approve of such behavior.
Anyway, I did not watch either of those things because I got sucked in by an informercial for Cricut Expressions. Here is a machine--the Bedazzler of card stock--that allows you to cut out any shape in the world on basically any surface. I must confess that I am a girl with poor cutting skills. I'm left handed, you see, and those rusty green scissors were never as sharp or accurate as the silver beauties my classmates got to use in school. My creations were always raggedy and pathetic compared to the Edward Scissorhands-worthy stylings of, say, Shelbie.
Imagine my daydreams upon gazing at the Cricut! Here was a woman with perfect, manicured nails telling me I could etch glass or make stencils or fabricate delicate, perfect greeting cards using adhesive dots and a machine that will cut complicated scrolls onto a Kleenex if I program it carefully. I sat in my living room agreeing with the ladies that my walls ARE bland and boring and that I certainly do need to cut produce out of fabric and decoupage it to my home. I also need to go on the deck and burn words in the wood, paint flowers on the pavement, and make a scrap book. Then? When the baby's born? I need to make a mobile with card stock spiders and start helping him or her get ready for science fair projects.
(Don't get me started on science fair projects. Mine always looked like a serial killer put them together with glue and human skin)
This product offered me a way into a world that is gentile and courteous and crafty. Who cares if I can knit? With Cricut I can cut out wooden eyeballs or plastic teeth and knit crocodile puppets! Better, right? I need Cricut, I think. If only to feel for one small moment that, should I ever again need a lesbian wedding card, I can make something beautiful and appropriate in the privacy of my living room.