Wednesday, June 04, 2008

Thunder Vision

I read Bill Bryson's Life and Times of the Thunderbolt Kid while on vacation. I have decided to adopt his idea of zapping people with thunder vision rather than wanting to stab them or plunge forks into their eyeballs when they bother me. For example, when we were boarding the plane and standing in an eternally unmoving line an octogenarian tried to fit a steamer trunk in the overhead bins. We were watching amusedly, not moving because there was nowhere to go, and a woman behind me kept shove, shove, shoving me to move. Physically shoving me. I had been up all night, and normally I would say I wanted to pluck out her eyebrow hairs and pour salt in her bleeding pores.

Instead, I just mentally zapped her with thunder vision and a few hours later, she didn't have a functional airplane seat and was an object of ridicule standing in the aisle forlorn with no chair. Thunder vision speeds up karma. I'm sure of it.

At the Newark airport, a bunch of stupid American girls from somewhere in the Midwest babbled on and on how Italy sucked because they had no Rita's Italian Ice. I zapped them with thunder vision, too. In return, I got the creamy memory of eating pistachio gellato along the Grand Canal in Venice. Thunder vision is my new coping mechanism for stupid people.


Em said...

What did you think of the cute new TSA "What Line Are You?" designations? On my trip to PA I was ordered to the Casual Traveler and Family line both times, apparently based on my clothing. I found that classist and I certainly do not intend to wear a suit to the airport to prove that I have developed an efficient system of movements to minimize my time in the security line.

Snacky D said...

What an awesome idea... I can't wait to start using Thunder Vision!