Thursday, January 07, 2010

Motivation

I have been struggling with my motivation at the gym. For one thing, I have to go to the gym with Miles (see? Right away with the excuses). This generally does not go well. I get about 20 minutes of working out time before he loses his sh*t. Luckily, many Crossfit workouts can be completed in this amount of time. But often, they cannot.

This week, halfway through a workout, I found myself rowing and doing good mornings with him strapped to my chest in the Bjorn. Usually, I just stop what I'm doing to pick him up, soothe him, put him back down, and work out for a few more minutes. If I'm really honest with myself, I need the "breaks" in the routines. I maybe pat him a little longer than he needs to be patted...

I am devastated at how much fitness I've lost. You should have seen me 42 weeks pregnant. I was in the best shape of my life, I think. And I was never, ever a fit person. I had one "fit" year of college when crazy Jim made us do really torturous things at conditioning. I sort of tapered off until I started Crossfit in June of 2008 and got to a really, really fit place. I was so proud of myself! I noticed huge differences at rugby practice in my sprint times and everything. Only I still wasn't a super fit person. I couldn't even do a pull-up or climb a rope at that point.

Then I got knocked up. Then I had major abdominal surgery where they took my organs out of my body. Then I had this high needs baby. Etc. And now, when I do get a chance to work out, I let all of these excuses get in the way of my motivation to work hard.

Last night, I dropped down to a really low weight medicine ball, used a box for jumping pull-ups, and quit the workout after 4 rounds. If I am truly honest with my body, I could have done better. I could have given more. I just didn't. And this wasn't a lack of energy or sleep deprivation thing. It was giving up.

I seem to have lost my edge. The competitive fire that burned, burned, burned inside me is, like, fizzled out or something. Before, when I couldn't do things like run or hoist my body weight up to a metal bar, it wasn't because I didn't try hard. It was because I just couldn't. Now, I feel like I am so far behind in my fitness that it's almost insurmountable. I feel myself giving up.

This terrifies me because there is a strong tendency in my family toward out-of-shape-ness. I say on one level that I want to avoid this, that I want to be fit. But something is blocking my drive to get there.

I need a Rocky marathon. Stat.

4 comments:

Valtastic said...

In the words of my gpa- Don't be a pussy

Do you want Miles to have a healthy or unhealthy mother... that should be motivation enough.

Jane said...

Look at me talking, but your body will amaze you, Katy. You are only 28 years old. Even if you are making excuses now, there are none. Keep at it a bit at a time. Patience, my dear.

Rachel said...

I poop on this post because I thought you did great...we would have finished with the same time! And, I'm sure that once you're sleeping habits improve (or those of the people living in your house), you're stamina, energy and motivation will go up, up, up! I know for me, if I have a bad night's sleep (I know, it's all relative, right?) I do not do well at all at the gym...or in life.

Em said...

You are under more stress now than you have ever been in your life, are less than a year out from major surgery, and you are kicking yourself for not being 100% motivated to work out? Katy, I know you're type A, but there's a time for all things. If this isn't "awesome fitness time", that's okay. You know it will be at some point. Focus on what you can do and don't kick yourself for what you can't.