Motivation

I have been struggling with my motivation at the gym. For one thing, I have to go to the gym with Miles (see? Right away with the excuses). This generally does not go well. I get about 20 minutes of working out time before he loses his sh*t. Luckily, many Crossfit workouts can be completed in this amount of time. But often, they cannot.

This week, halfway through a workout, I found myself rowing and doing good mornings with him strapped to my chest in the Bjorn. Usually, I just stop what I'm doing to pick him up, soothe him, put him back down, and work out for a few more minutes. If I'm really honest with myself, I need the "breaks" in the routines. I maybe pat him a little longer than he needs to be patted...

I am devastated at how much fitness I've lost. You should have seen me 42 weeks pregnant. I was in the best shape of my life, I think. And I was never, ever a fit person. I had one "fit" year of college when crazy Jim made us do really torturous things at conditioning. I sort of tapered off until I started Crossfit in June of 2008 and got to a really, really fit place. I was so proud of myself! I noticed huge differences at rugby practice in my sprint times and everything. Only I still wasn't a super fit person. I couldn't even do a pull-up or climb a rope at that point.

Then I got knocked up. Then I had major abdominal surgery where they took my organs out of my body. Then I had this high needs baby. Etc. And now, when I do get a chance to work out, I let all of these excuses get in the way of my motivation to work hard.

Last night, I dropped down to a really low weight medicine ball, used a box for jumping pull-ups, and quit the workout after 4 rounds. If I am truly honest with my body, I could have done better. I could have given more. I just didn't. And this wasn't a lack of energy or sleep deprivation thing. It was giving up.

I seem to have lost my edge. The competitive fire that burned, burned, burned inside me is, like, fizzled out or something. Before, when I couldn't do things like run or hoist my body weight up to a metal bar, it wasn't because I didn't try hard. It was because I just couldn't. Now, I feel like I am so far behind in my fitness that it's almost insurmountable. I feel myself giving up.

This terrifies me because there is a strong tendency in my family toward out-of-shape-ness. I say on one level that I want to avoid this, that I want to be fit. But something is blocking my drive to get there.

I need a Rocky marathon. Stat.