What Lies Beneath

Today we worked on the house from 6:30 in the morning until 10:00 at night. I put some pictures up with some detailed captions if you have any interest in seeing the progress. I am so horrified by some things the previous owners left for us, though, that I can hardly celebrate our forward motion.

We pried up the maroon carpet in the living room to find all sorts of goodies beneath. A razor blade, some cheerios, a green plastic dog bone, pennies, even a quarter. Some of these items made their way into the air vents in the corners, too.

Now, we have already noted that these owners were trashy inbreds who brag about it. We are also quickly discovering they were sloppy and didn't enjoy a job well done. All the switch plates are installed crookedly. They never took the masking tape down when they painted the bedroom. They dripped puddles of paint on the floors in the hallways. And they were contractors by trade!

But by far the most egregious breach in behavior code came from their treatment of the air vents. While I was removing staples this morning I peeked in the gaping hole. I spied small white crescents. They were toenails. Piles and piles of toenails.

I remember looking at the house when they still lived there:
Take note the man-chair positioned next to the air vent. Now envision the owner sitting in that man-chair for years, slowly peeling off his disgusting toenails and DROPPING THEM IN THE AIR VENT! The vent that pumps the air his children breathe.

We stopped what we were doing immediately to swear to one another this would never become our habit. We might fart and laugh about it, we might forget to put on underpants when we walk in the kitchen with the blinds up, but we will NEVER rip off our toenails with our bare hands and make a mountain in the air vent. And if we do, we have permission to save humanity by slicing each other's throats with the offending talons.