Wednesday, August 06, 2008

On Lunch Break

I was required to serve on jury duty today. I am on lunch break. This is what has happened so far:

1. I discovered that, no matter how fascinating my new book club book may be, I can't concentrate on reading when there are people to stare at and the constant fear I'll be asked to be a juror on a homicide case.

2. I caught a glimpse of my teammate and public defender looking dazzling in her fancy clothes

3. I learned the man sitting next to me, who borrowed my pen, is a private investigator. We exchanged several interesting stories before he shared this gem, summarized and perhaps embellished a tad: I was working a case investigating nursing home abuse. The workers in a cottage for old people found a huge pepperoni in the trash with a condom on the end. (This part is not embellished at all. Actual condom pepperoni!) The workers assumed a house worker was abusing the patients, so I started interviewing them. As it turns out, one of the workers--a married man with several children and bright red hair--had been using the pepperoni to pleasure himself after the patients all went to bed at night.

I guess it never occurred to the dude to properly dispose of his materials? Anyway, that guy didn't get fired. Instead, a dude who was having visitors on the premises got fired. You can't have visitors over when you work in a group home, I guess.

4. I have no idea how to work coffee machines and became a community project of sorts when I wanted a cup of tea. The hot water gizmo seemed impossible for me to navigate and many, many women and one engineer-looking man crowded around me eager for something to do. In the end, I got impatient with my Earl Grey and burned my tongue.


Valtastic said...

Are you trying to stereotype red heads? If it was a guy with blond hair you wouldn't say "this blond guy"... I don't have sex with pepperoni's for the record. But if I were too.. I would use a condom. You don't know what pig that pepperoni's been with...

Anonymous said...

two very unrelated thoughts:

1. How can you serve on jury duty if you know the public defender personally?

2. It seems as though the use of spices, particularly red pepper flakes and peppercorns, would make it imparitive that a barrier of some sort be fashioned,

Anonymous said...

pleaded is past tense of plead

PeaceLoveMath said...

Pointing out the red hair is OK because it's a more unique distinguishing trait. Being blond or brunette isn't as unusual as red hair, so that's why you wouldn't point it out. Totally hilarious, though.