Friday, August 15, 2008

Delphi Failures

I love and need my GPS. It keeps me alive many times, when I miss turns or somehow decide I should be turning left when all other sane people would turn right. I preface this post with my profound love and respect for my GPS. However, today she totally failed me. That Delphi sucked ass today.

I left home for Fallingwater and Kentuck Knob for research for some tourism writing I'm doing. I know, a horrible day of work, right? Perhaps I deserve what happened, which was nearly disaster.

To start, Delphi was freaking out in the fog and having me drive around in circles. I had to call Corey to see which highway I should start on to give her a chance to calm the eff down. No, Delphi. I won't turn right over the cliff down the hill of Stanton Heights. Thank you, no.

So I reached my destination, toured the architectural amazements, which warrant their own post at a later time. I was supposed to head for a winery on my way home to round out the "road trip" piece I am writing. I asked Delphi where to find this winery. She told me to turn right, turn right, and she eventually wanted me to turn right again. Three rights. Rather than look ahead and be smart, making a left, I listened to her mechanical, calm voice.

"Please turn right," she told me as I approached an ominous dark trench. Unpaved, unlevel, worse than any road I traveled in rural Italy, the next mile of my life was more frightening than driving the Sun Road in Montana's Glacier National Park. Yes, Delphi, this tractor path was probably the shortest way to make the third right and, yes, it was pastoral and gorgeous. But it was so deeply rutted that the Mazda kept bottoming out and it would make these blind turns into steep drop-offs that made me think I was in a nightmarish San Francisco.

I had so much crotchal sweat by the time I got off that road, I couldn't bear to get out of the car and show my swampy nether regions at the winery. And I was wearing quick-dry hiking shorts! I just put the pedal to the floor when I hit pavement and came straight home, where I calmed my nerves with dark chocolate. As soon as I knew which highway I was on, I ripped Delphi's cord from the lighter/outlet and threw her on the floor. I'm just glad I had enough sense not to throw her out the window.

After all, how would I get home from State College next weekend without her? Last time I tried that I wound up in Maryland. So I need her, and I hate that I need her, but today we are not friends. Not even close.


P said...

322 to 220 to 22


Sorry. I've driven that route so many damn times I could do it with my eyes closed.

Anonymous said...

what a bitch

Valtastic said...

GPS makes people dumb... you need to think for yourself... although i've seen you in a car and i don't see how someone so smart can be so intuatively off when it comes to figuring out which way to go... good thing you know how to read maps. :P

PeaceLoveMath said...

I passed up another great chance to test out my parent's GPS this weekend, so I've still never tried it. Luckily my friend Jeneane is bringing hers on our business training trip in two weeks, so I will finally get to see one in action for the first time as we drive from Atlanta to Warner Robins, GA.

Jane said...

Did you make it home?

P said...

Hey, don't know what you did, but the login popup has stopped. Thanks!