Inspection

After making an offer on a house, the buyer must suffer a three + hour process called a home inspection. Our home inspector is a man I'll call Dwight. Anyone who has enjoyed the hit program The Office can now imagine this man.

When we pulled up in the morning, Dwight was standing in the street. He had rolled up in a Jeep Cherokee covered in American flags. It looked like he was tailgaiting. They were the kind that attach to the windows. Like Penn State flags. Then, he had scads of NRA bumper stickers, an NRA license plate holder, and animal skin seat covers inside his car, which he called a vehicle. He was standing on the sidewalk staring at our roof through hunting binoculars and when we walked up to him, he whispered "I would say we either need to replace those chimneys, or hang a sign that says 'Danger! Hard Hat area!'"

My heart sank. Our golden egg of a home was a shit box. But then, in the first of many times Dwight would toy with my emotions, he informed us that the roof was "superior." In the next three hours, I would constantly feel we bought the best house in the universe, only to moments later discover it was a hut not befitting a yeti. Back and forth my emotions went, as I learned the plank style roof was "better than" and then saw that our plaster was cracked and the sidewalk was "near the end of it's lifespan." I tried to meet Corey's eye in the hallway when I heard a squeaking sound, like many rats running through the carpet or a gerbil on a wheel.

Dwight looked at my face. "Not. To. Worry! That's just my tool belt squeaking. Whoah ho!" Dwight's flashlight, measuring tape, level, and many electronic devices dangled from squeaky clips on his toolbelt. Dwight meant business.

By the end of the inspection, I felt good about our property. Our water pressure was "lower than" at a reading of 42, but we have a water pressure regulator, which is "better than." There might be a bit of moisture in the walls right now, but our furnace is the best in the country and "absolutely bonus." Dwight feels our house is overbuilt, which means a "bushel full of money couldn't buy such quality construction."

So that's fantastic! Apart from a crumbling chimney and an old sidewalk, our house is good to go. We might just pull this off! Corey and Katy could be, within the next month, homeowners!