Thursday, August 03, 2006

Q&A With the Hygiene Queen

Inquiring Minds: So, Katy, how is it that a cleanly girl like yourself has such a terrible odor in her kitchen?
Katy: You know, I've been wondering that for weeks! But I finally discovered the source of the stench as I squatted to retrieve a bag of taco mix from the pantry. It seems I had forgotten the bag of red skinned potatoes purchased several months ago. As you all know, Corey doesn't eat those starchy beauties. It's hard for a girl to eat a whole bag alone!
IM: So the potatoes sat there unattended in this heat? They must have been rotten!
K: Oh yes they were! And boy, did they stink. In fact, when I went to lift and dispose of the stinky bag, I then discovered the true source of all the putrescence.
IM: Surely you don't mean....
K: Yes. Maggots.
IM: They weren't really maggots! How on earth could you recognize maggots if you never saw them before? I'm sure you are mistaken.
K: Trust me. When you see what I saw and smell what I smelled, you know. You know.
IM: So what did you do at this point? Move out?
K: I called my cookie-pie at work to force him to return home and clean the maggot den like a man should. He, of course, was not interested in this proposition, despite multiple promises of ice cream sandwiches.
IM: Did you hire help? Obviously you weren't forced to touch the maggots???
K: I dumped a bottle of Clorox disenfectant bathroom cleaner on the colony and rubber-banded paper towels and lunch baggies on my hand to form a barrier. I then dropped paper towels on the pile and gingerly applied downward pressure. I slid the dustpan under the heap, held my breath, and dumped it all into the trash can, ran through the apartment screaming and climbed down the fire escape with the foul bag so I could throw it in the dumpster.
IM: Was this bag difficult for you to touch or be near?
K: I believe that bag and everything in it represents the worst thing that has ever happened to me, including the fungus.
IM: What was your sanitization process for your body and the evil zone?
K: I of course had to mop with Mr. Clean and scalding water and dunk the dustpan in the same mixture (though I would have liked to just fill the kitchen with bleach). My person was slightly more difficult to cleanse. Despite repeated washings, my hands retained the foul stench of death. I soaked in various types of vinegar and lemon juice but still felt the presence of maggot on my skin.
IM: So what did you do about it? Drink Miller Light?
K: I left for the boathouse certain I would row furiously. My blistered, ruined feet carried me down the river and the stinky Allegheny replaced the odor in my nose. Also, we rowed by a garbage barge. That helped get rid of the maggot smell.
IM: You are simultaneously brave and repulsive.
K: I know. I don't deserve to live around normal people.


Diane said...

omg katy!
this is really funny to me b/c a similar thing happened to my mom the other day.
i called home and asked what she was doing, and she was like, "you dont wanna know."
i insisted that i did...
so she said she was taking out the trash from the garage...she got to the one garbage can and opened it and saw stuff dropping out of the lid...immediately she knew what was up. she looked into the can and there were THOUSANDS of maggots!
she was spraying bug spray on them and it did nothing...she said she had the can sitting in the driveway and the maggots were pouring out of the can that was STANDING UPRIGHT!
she later said she poured bleach on them and they died.

Anonymous said...

Dude that happened to my friends from college at there apt- they were sooo disgusted.

Emily said...

i'm at work and trying so hard not to laugh my eyes are tearing......

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