Today I feel terrible. I have done a bad thing to a person who has been a great friend to me. When something unusual happened at school, rather than just ask my friend directly to alleviate confusion, I gossipped about it with some other students. Because I wasn't up front with my friend, her feelings were hurt hearing about things second hand. I hurt someone who has never done anything but be good to me.
Today I called to apologize and talk to her about it. I feel much better about this specific situation, but still sad that I allowed this to happen. So much of my graduate school program is shrouded in secrecy. I so often feel like I have been thrust into a complicated dance, and nobody will tell me the steps so I have to struggle to follow the music. I feel like I let myself get caught up, not thinking of other people's feelings but only my own need to keep going and I don't like that. I don't want to be someone who contributes to rumor mills, I don't want to be someone who hurts feelings to get ahead.
I am reminded of the ending of Mean Girls, when Tina Fey drags all the girls into the gym and makes them share why they feel hurt. I think we need a meeting like that at my school. I am sad today wondering who else I have damaged. It would be nice to just know and get it all out there so I could begin to make amends.