Why?

Planning a wedding is taking everything I enjoy in life and twisting it into a stressful and upsetting practice full of slamming doors and elastic pants.

Take eating for example. It might be my most favorite of all things in life. This weekend, we ate two enormous meals prepared by two excellent caterers....on Saturday. After two hours of manging through appetizers and thinly sliced meats and fabulous pastas cooked to protection, we had to eat another version of the same thing. Though the thyme and cheese stuffed chicken and wild mushroom pastas smelled and looked amazing, though the scallops seemed succulent, though the cake was delightfully sweet seeming, I could do nothing but pat my bloated belly and pray for poop. I had to wait until this morning to fully enjoy the crab cakes. They just didn't fit inside.

Talking is probably my second favorite thing. I'll talk about anything at length with anyone. But our new rabbi is also a talker and courtesy dictates that I let her go first in conversations. As Corey and I sat examining the sample ceremony, tearing up over possible readings at our WEDDING, I found myself with a million things to say and no opportunity to do so. Why did I have to find another talker? Doesn't everyone know that Corey is my soul mate because he listens when I talk? If only there were another rabbi in the world who will do an interfaith ceremony for an affordable price, I would seek out a less yacky alternative.

Trips home to visit my family have morphed from relaxing evenings on porches listening to cicadas into bug-eyed romps through contracts, confusing discussions, and extended conversations weighing the merits of buffets versus live-action food stations.

Perhaps I could register for and win one of those pre-planned weddings from TLC. Or Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Or maybe someone could put me in a coma for eight months and wake me up in time to sveltly walk down the aisle in a tastefully designed ceremony with low key decorations and fun dancing. I will never again attend a wedding with the same perspective.