Oh, God

Patti LaBelle is on Martha Stewart right now cookin' collard greens. She's trying to get Martha to add more pepper and gnaw on the turkey leg straight from the pot. Meanwhile, Martha is suggesting roasted parsnips as a sidedish. She's using a melon baller to take out the pits as Patti says "Let's just call this a scooper."

I feel so amused by someone trying to cook food like a normal person butting heads with Martha, who wants to insert individual almond slices into cakes to make them look like pinecones. While Martha steams root vegetables, Patti picks at her spicy greens and asks Martha about prison. I love it.

"Now we sprinkle a little bit of chopped chive on the parsnips," says Martha, grasping for control of her show. Patti dishes into the parsnips and says "It's excellent!" while making the most horrified face, as if she has just filled her mouth with paste.

Why would Martha invite this particular guest on her show? The whole point of Martha Stewart is to be as unlike normal people with jobs and budgets as possible. A woman who tiles her pool with pieces of credit cards is as far removed from cooked collard greens as they come.

Patti just lays it all out there. She says Martha's show is boring, she dumps salt and pepper on all the food. She laughs out loud when Martha claims to be a ghetto expert. But yet, I think I would get tired of watching her. I love to watch Martha as I fold laundry, cursing the socks that won't come clean and my inability to just throw them away and buy new ones. I love to hate her when I make Pasta Roni for dinner in between class and work and rugby, wishing I were shredding parsnips by hand into a pot of boiling water.

It's nice to see Patti LaBelle on the show in stark contrast, reminding the world once again that the things we are seeing are abnormal and the recipes coming forth are shockingly complicated. This will, of course, not stop me from tuning in tomorrow to learn how else I am not perfect. Hopefully, Patti will come back to slap Martha in the face and tell me I shouldn't try to be.