Weightless

This morning, I zippered myself into some pants. This is significant! I have whittled myself down to a point where there is a pair of pants in my home that zipper. Of course, I have to dangle my spare flesh over the top of the waistband in order for the zippering to happen, but nonetheless, here I sit. In pants.

Because I went to work today. I left Miles at home with Corey and headed to campus to teach and tutor for a full day. I was not heartbroken about this after all. This morning, I rocked my sweet screamy baby to a fitful sleep before leaving my house. I was forlorn for the first few minutes, but the closer I got to my bus stop? My steps became springy. I smiled at people. I sat in the non-handicapped seats and, like, read a book on the bus.

And then I got to campus and peed without a screaming kid dangling from the Bjorn. And wiped! Properly! By the time I got in my classroom, I felt like a million bucks. The more I talk to grownups about real grownup things, the more I can forget that somewhere back home, the static is blaring and there is a person frantically begging my baby to stop holding his breath.

I know a lot of moms have a hard time making it through this day, the first day apart. But man, this is a welcome respite for me. This is me recharging my batteries so I have the energy to parent my little dude in the evening. And I bet he will sense that I am coming to him with renewed vigor and maybe not scream for as many hours tonight. Heck, he might even nurse peacefully, enjoy his tubby, pee on my face and then laugh about it.

In the mean time, I am discussing comma splices and complaining about the transit system and griping about office politics. And it feels so light and free and amazing to stand in the sunlight and look both ways and cross a busy street as a totally nondescript person. Gosh.

Probably, 46 days from now when Miles is three months old and theoretically better able to handle being in the world, I will cry about being at work. Today? Work feels like a vacation.