Adventures in Grocery Shopping

I went to Giant Eagle today to get some produce so Corey can make me pasta with vodka cream sauce for Valentine's Day. They totally remodeled the store. It's now a "marketplace." All the clerks wear white with orange aprons, the walls and displays are painted light brown, and all the signs are written in cursive so you feel like you're in Tuscany rather than East Liberty. Which is all great. But the store is set up like a crazy person went wild and threw food all over the place.

Cheese is in three different places. Three! And cream isn't with the milk. It's with the butter. Is that usual? I can't even remember, but it felt weird. Organic tomatoes are next to the baked beans, while normal canned tomatoes are in the organic Italian section, where there are random refrigerators for homemade sauces. And toilet cleaner? In the back. Next to the bread. It was so trippy. It took me almost a half hour to grab canned tomatoes, cream, crusty Italian bread (near the fresh flowers) and toilet bowl cleaner.

So then I try to get on the bus. I say try because it was full to the bursting point with fat people. I had to take a few steps running to burst through the bulging bellies gathered at the doorway. Two fat women filled a row of four seats. There were fat children taking up entire aisles. Everyone on that bus was fat. And one fat lady had her enormous, Gommy-sized pocketbook on the grocery shelf. So I had no choice but to stand in the aisle with my shopping bags and bookbag with no free hand to grab the strap. And you know I can't stay upright on a moving bus! So I was falling into fat bellies and banging into big fat thighs. It made me sick. I was staring at all the jeans with gaping seams and glad I wasn't a down coat clinging for dear life to a ginormous fat bosom.

This is why Corey working second shift is a bad idea.