Wedding Gown 101

I am learning the most amazing things. For starters, I had no idea certain dress top designs were more or less flattering for specific body types. Since I usually wear a t-shirt or turtle neck, I pretty much assumed you either look nice in a shirt or you don't. But no! You can custom select your wardrobe (or bridal gown) based on your boob size!

I learned that the spaghetti strap corset top I so admire on other people really DOES make me look plump! It's not in my head. Those tiny straps are clinging to my broad shoulders like string through a pork loin. Other shapes that I shouldn't dream of for my wedding gown include a bateau, halter, v-neck, portrait, high collar, off shoulder, asymmetric, or jewel top. Suddenly everything makes sense! The reason I look like I have triple F cup gongas in my v-neck red shirt from Nordstrom is that I'm not supposed to wear v-neck things!

According to The Knot, v-necks make my bodice look too full. Off shoulder gowns emphasize broad shoulderrs, scoop necks do the same. Bateau necks, whatever they are, emphasize the bust. All this time I've been attempting to dress mself without professional assistance I've been emphasizing the very things I want to hide. What is a girl with big knockers and rugby shoulders supposed to wear to dress up functions, I ask you??

The answer, clearly, is a strapless gown or a square cut with wide straps. Now, in my proven unexpert opinion, I would have thought a strapless gown would be a bad idea. I can just see the spare skin in my armpit region squirting over the top seam, my back flesh bulging out the top. I have been assured this is not so. This design is listed as good for broad shoulders and big busts. The square cut is listed as being bad for almost no one. I wish The Knot would publish a guide for how to buy business casual clothes.

At what point did my mother give up and allow me to grow into a woman with no idea how to purchase clothing? Was it during my vintage shopping days in high school? I know she had a rough time with the checkered pants from the Salvation Army and the mechanic shirt with the Craig nametag for school pictures. But couldn't she have gently suggested that I start to purchase a nice wardrobe of classic, square neck pieces I could wear forever? Or was she doing this all along as she nudged me into the Misses section at Boscov's. Perhaps if they named the department something else, it wouldn't make the struggling sweatpants wearing high school girls think of Mom Jeans and run screaming.

My enlightenment for clothing did not stop with dress tops. Oh no! I learned about skirts, too. I remember the beautiful ball gown I wore to prom. The tiny straps didn't look too bad on my pre-weight regimen shoulders. I now know that such a design is bad not only for short people but also for those with "a lot on top." A-lines! I need a-lines forever. Imagine the tears I saved myself. Thanks to The Knot, I know to turn away from the frothy, layered cakey ball gowns. I can head straight for the a-line strapless numbers and, maybe, feel good about myself in a fancy dress for once.